In the Victorian era there were etiquette laws that dictated a person's actions in every imaginable situation. The laws were unwritten, but understood by the upper social class. Following these social rules would put a person in good social standing with his or her peers and would give them a good reputation. Throughout the 1800's and even into the early 1900's upper class citizens in both the United States and some parts of Europe followed such rules.
In the first half of the century, most etiquette manuals had a strong religious overtones which attemtped to modl the moral character of the readers. Most were written in lecture form, with a stern tone and a staunch stand to instill fear into the reader. For example, an excerpt from The Young Lady's Counselor: or Outlines and Illustrations of the Sphere, The Duties and Dangers of Young Women, written by Daniel Wise and published in 1851, reads:
"Many young ladies indulge in very nonsensical opinions, or should I rather say, notions, concerning love. They foolishly fancy themselves bound to be 'smitten', to 'fall in love', to be 'love-sick', with almost every silly idler who wears a fashionable coat, is tolerably good-looking, and pays them particular attention. Reason, judgement, deliberation, according to their fancies, have nothing to do with their love....THeir lovers use flattering words, and like silly moths fluttering around the fatal lamp, they allow themselves to be charmed into certain misery. Readers, beware of such example; eschew such false notions!"
The second half of the century brought a different type of advice manuals to women. These manuals focused more on all-purpose household advice, and those that provided advice in social etiquette. The household advice manuals generally were referred to as "compendiums", and the etiquette resources were "cyclopedias". The latter were larger volumes that combined information about "manners" with tables of reference, listings of local and federal laws, rules of popular parlour games, instructions on penmanship, and information about business practices. The most popular and well-known reference manual for general household management was American Woman's Home written by Catherine E. Beecher and Harriet Beecher Stowe(her sister), published in 1869. It served as a "bible" for Victorian era housewives. This manual provided adivce and information about everything from "Practical Domestic Convenience and Interior Decorations" to the "Principles of Physiology, Ventilation, Heating, etc.".
There were books available that explained which fork was for salad and which was for dessert, and many contained the simplest of rules (always wash your hands before eating; use a napkin, not your sleeve, etc.). Other books supplied the complex rules to accomodate the more sophisticated, guiding them through every possible social circumstance. These books included chapters on etiquette for ordinary "everyday" situations, as well as chapters committed to teaching decorum for special occasions. Topics of general etiquette included calling cards, visits and calling, introductions, genteel conversation and dinner parties, etc.
"Even when a lady knows and speaks with more than one man, it is improper for her to take the arm of two men flanking her at the same time. A married lady usually leans upon the arm of her husband. Single ladies do not take the arm of a gentleman in the daytime unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. Shows of affection in public - even between married people - are considered displays of brazen vulgarity."
"Ladies walk in a measured gait, taking small gliding steps. If it is necessary for her to raise her skirts to avoid a puddle, she is to raise them only slightly, and on one side. Using both hands and exposing more than an ankle is considered vulgar."
"When ascending a staircase with a lady or ladies, a gentleman is to go at their side or before them. A gentleman's duty is to lead a lady, and her duty is to follow him."
"A lady should never be neglected. Gentlemen should help a lady with her coat, cloak, shawl, or other outer garment that she desires to remove in order to be more comfortable in the room. Offer to fetch refreshments for a lady if refreshments are available."
Cleanliness is always appreciated. An etiquette manual of the period said, "If you wish to pass for a well-bred person, keep clean. It is far better to dress coarsely and out of fashion and be strictly clean than to cover a dirty shin with the finest and richest clothing. A coarse shirt or a calico dress is not necessarily vulgar, but dirt is essentially so."
**This article was written & is copyrighted to Dawn Aiello. It is used with Ms. Aiello's permission. Her website is: Victorian Lace ~ Victorian Lifestyles: The Victorian Era***
Civilian Etiquette: Meeting and Greeting Others
Making the acquaintance of strangers has a code all its own. Letters of introduction were common enough in that era of attention to manners and form, as well as in a society that had become increasingly transient. Such letters served as certificates of respectability, and functioned as personal introductions of the carrier by one absent, to the one to whom the letter was presented.
When introduced to a person whose acquaintance you did not care to make, it was acceptable to make acknowledgment of the introduction by a formal bow upon meeting that person, but the bow was sufficient. Conversation and further acquaintance with the undesirable person was not an obligation, but the bow was. Although shaking hands was commonplace enough in America at that time, it was not normative behavior among the well-mannered. The distinction of handshaking as a lower class practice can be seen in works such as Mark Twain’s Roughing It where the more socially backward the person, the more apt they are to be found shaking hands. Introductions at a ball or dance where the purpose of the introduction was to dance rather than for business purposes or to make a new friend, it was considered highly inappropriate to shake hands. Location also affected where shaking hands would be permissible. The more public the place in which people met, the less appropriate it was to shake hands. Shaking hands was considered far too personal a matter to be employed casually.
Why was the very question of an introduction, something so seemingly commonplace and innocuous to us, a matter of such great import to the Victorians?
In polite society, once a person had been properly introduced and therefore admitted into one’s social circle, the newly introduced person was considered to have some claim on your attention and sphere of influence for the future. If the introduction was accompanied by a personal recommendation such as "I’d like you to meet my friend", then a more personal acknowledgment of the introduction than a bow was permitted. That was a case in which shaking hands was acceptable.
For gentlemen walking in the company of a lady, in the event that she receives the greeting or salute of a stranger, the gentleman is supposed to return the salute for the lady, if not on his own behalf as well. Even to your enemy, it is in bad taste to decline a recognition should he salute you. In sparsely settled places it is customary to salute everybody you meet with a bow, and the custom is an excellent one, as it shows kindly feeling and a good heart.
The more public a place where two or more people were introduced, the less that handshaking is expected to take place, something of a reversal of the practice of the earlier part of the 19th century. Ladies’ gloves are to be worn, in so far as is practical, in all public places, and they are not to be removed in order to shake hands. When a lady is introduced to a room, married ladies are expected to offer their hands, while a young, unmarried lady would not. Of course, context dictates some protocols. Introductions are not commonly to be followed by shaking hands, but by a bow from a gentleman and a nod of acknowledgment from a lady. In a ballroom setting where the introduction has as its purpose asking another to accompany you to dance, and not to initiate a friendship, ladies and gentlemen are never to shake hands.
When gentlemen meet other gentlemen or ladies in public, even when they are known to each other already, they are never to refer to one another by their first name.
Once having been introduced, a married lady may offer her hand, something an unmarried woman may never do. Ladies are generally expected to wear gloves whenever practical in all public places and in church, and it is considered improper for her to remove her gloves to shake hands. However, the dilemma raised by shaking hands should not generally occur at the instigation of a gentleman. Introductions are not to be followed by shaking hands, but rather by a bow. In a ballroom setting where the introduction is to dancing and not necessarily to friendship, neither ladies nor gentlemen should shake hands.
When a man is introduced to a lady and then afterward meets her in the street, he is expected to bow to her, and she to him. Men who are out and about, walking the street, are to acknowledge their friends. If a man fails to stop to visit with people he knew, he is to tender them the minimum courtesy of bowing, touching his hat brim in salute, or bidding his friends good-day. Should he stop to talk with them, it is expected of them to offer their hands without removing their glove. It is usually more agreeable to both parties, and to be preferred, that they leave their gloves on when shaking hands.
When a gentleman walks in the street a lady and they see another person approaching with whom they are acquainted, the gentleman is to offer the lady (or an elderly person with whom he is walking) the wall, the part of the walk furthest from the street. When taking a lady for a walk, a man is to offer her his right arm as a matter of custom. However, his left arm may be properly offered for her to take, should circumstances make it more convenient. Walking along a busy street makes it even more important to escort the lady, keeping her as close to the walls of the buildings they pass to prevent her from being jostled and run into by the passing crowd. A gentleman is to offer his arm to escort a lady of his acquaintance into, or out of, a building or a room at all social events, and whenever walking on uneven ground. In short, a gentleman is expected to offer his arm to a lady with whom he walks whenever her safety, comfort, or convenience may require it. At night, a man should always offer his arm to the lady. Whether it is day or night, though, it is always impolite and careless to leave a lady that you know unattended, except with her permission.
Regardless of the level of familiarity that a gentleman might have with another gentleman or lady, when encountering them on the street he is never to refer to another person by their first name in public.
There is a great deal of confusion within the re-enacting community when it comes to offering what we would consider a courtesy to the ladies by a gentleman removing his hat to a lady unknown to him. When a lady at a re-enactment greets a gentleman or soldier first, whether she knows him or not, he is obliged to remove his hat in greeting, or at least touch the brim of his hat in the manner of a salute. He should not expect her to smile, nod his way, or acknowledge him in any fashion.
The simplest way to keep this matter straight in the minds of gentlemen is to remember the age old notion of "Ladies first". If the lady greets you, then you are free to acknowledge her by removing your hat. Until and unless she greets you or acknowledges you in some way, do not acknowledge her in any way. A proper lady who understands and observes mid-Victorian etiquette, seeing that the gentleman does not remove his hat to her because she has not acknowledged him, realizes that he is a gentleman, and is not offended by his failure to recognize her. She realizes that the gentleman is being thoughtful of her reputation.
For other men, not knowing the rules of propriety as they ought, they are sometimes insulted that their hat-tipping to ladies unknown to them is ignored. In their ignorance, they suppose that the ladies are being unmannerly, when in fact the ladies are simply being proper ladies.
What lady would want to be greeted as a familiar by every male stranger and soldier she encounters? We can only imagine what kind of woman would be on such easy and friendly terms with so many men. A lady acting in that manner could even be mistaken for "that kind of a woman". Gentlemen should realize that they are doing ladies’ reputations a good service by not removing their hats to ladies who have not first greeted them.
Merely tipping the brim of your hat to a lady was considered to no more than a perfunctory gesture, and smacked more of rudeness than true politeness.
When bowing, a gentleman is lift his hat slightly from his head. Simply touching the rim of his hat, or only making a gesture toward it, is not correct form. The hat should be lifted slightly from the head, though, and not bandied about in a dramatic or conspicuous manner. It is appropriate to incline the head slightly as the hat is lifted, but the body need not follow suit.
In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to nod or bow to you. Return her salutation by removing your hat. If you stop to speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, until she leaves you, unless she requests you to replace it.
To another gentleman, it is acceptable to bow, merely touching your hat, if he is alone or with another gentleman. However, should he be in the company of a lady, raise your hat slightly in bowing to him, as if offering the salute to her. You should remain holding your hat in hand until either the lady takes her leave of you, or asks that you replace it on your head. In the presence of another gentleman only may you replace it immediately.
